I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I can promise you this is not a polished piece. I’m tired, and I keep letting my concern about presentation prevent me from publishing anything. So I’m just going to share a bit about what my life is like right now. Some of it may be redundant and some may be new. I don’t know how long you’ve been on this journey with me, but welcome. I made coffee.
Instead of getting anything in particular done I’m sitting here writing while realizing that I don’t really have a life that is interesting enough to talk about, so it affects my ability to be creative. I know some folks would be giving me a hard time for saying something like that but being totally honest my life is really uneventful. This isn’t to be confused with having a negative view on living, but more the realization that I have never really lived my life the way I wanted to because I was afraid of my ambitions. I didn’t want to fail. But not trying despite that fear doesn’t feel like winning either.
I’m on the cusp of 38. I’m struggling with my roles as both mom and provider because it leaves me so little time to actually do what I want to do with my life. I feel like I’m constantly moving away from every goal that I have tried to be so dedicated to. I’ve been perpetually overweight and stressed. While I have a lot of joy when I get to focus on just being a mom, I realized that I am not assertive enough about managing my time. I keep on putting off getting proper rest and a getaway because I was feeling like I had no other choice. But I am blocking my own potential by letting fear paralyze me.
I’m tired of being boring. I’m tired of making boring choices and feeling like my creative soul is not good enough to be shared. I haven’t gotten this all figured out, but I have to listen to my whims and instincts more. I don’t want to spend the rest of my years a lumpy, tired and mentally depleted woman by giving too much of my time to other people and I had to spend a good amount of time shedding things from my life that were holding me back. Relationships. Habits. Belongings. I had buried myself within it all.
I remember when I was in high school I had this dream to eventually be able to write a play. I never really pursued it. I wanted to be as great as Jonathan Larsen, whose masterpiece known as “RENT” changed my life forever after seeing it for the first time; not for the music, but his ability to create these complex characters that felt like part of my life every time I went to see them perform. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to learn how to paint. I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to be happy with my body. I wanted to have so much to get excited about in my life. I wanted to not have to stress about finances or my health.
I don’t have any of these things going for me right now. I’m somewhat stuck, but I’m still fighting that urge to sink into a total standstill. I needed to make time to write, even if I didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. It’s the one thing I regret not doing sooner, and who knows what I would have accomplished if I had just had more faith in myself. To be fair, though, I have been chipping away at it. I just worry that I won’t really get a chance to get to where I want and need to be in life before my number is called. I want to make sure this baby is SET in a way where I won’t need to worry about her if I’m gone. Most importantly, I need to teach her to rise above struggles that are within her control. I know what I need to address, but I have been afraid to take those steps.
There is a short list of things I feel I need to change in my life more urgently, but they’re also things that would open so many doors along the way. But the one thing I have been fumbling a lot is my time. Time is something I don’t manage well, but I’m always worried that I’ll never have a moment to breathe. I realized, however, I just needed to adapt more and find ways to make my life work as functionally as it can.
Today is one of those rare days where my husband and I are both off of work and don’t have plans. After we spent Easter with family, I took the baby to bed before 9 pm and got up at 3 am. It felt pretty good to just….rest. Normally he’s off on days that I work, which forces me to have to cram a lot of “to do’s” into hours I needed to sleep between my shifts. I also realized I’m kind of screwed by going to bed so early, as that meant I was going to need to jolt my sleep schedule around so I’d be able to handle 5 days of overnights that I’ll be working.
It’s hectic, but I have to make do. I got up to grab my “me” time while everyone was asleep, and after some Sims 4, I’m going to focus on just one room: my office. I have to declutter it, give it a deep clean and move my fitness equipment into the office space (I’m trying to make a daily effort to work out, so it’s useful during my lunch breaks). Once that’s fully done, I’ll spend the rest of my day focusing on laundry and the kitchen, which needs reorganization and decluttering (there’s so much stuff we can’t find because not everything has its place, so that’s my big mission for today).
I’ll have to prod my husband to just tidy up the common area, as it was already combed through a couple days ago. This will be a day where he will be the primary caretaker of the baby so it gives me a window of opportunity to catch up on the things no one really likes to do, plus I need to finish converting the bedrooms into one nursery and one “swing” room, which would be used for guests or for the kids when they come to stay with us. Basically, a lot of packing, repacking, painting, and moving furniture. I’m starting to enjoy those days where I can just do housework and not be so parenting-heavy while my husband gets great bonding time in.
I had to start getting the baby up earlier in the day (5 or 6 am) so she would shift towards a schedule that worked better with mine. She’s always been great about sleeping through the night, but she was moving towards a later bedtime (my husband often would stay up, and she’d try to stay up with him. Giving her an earlier start meant that she’d be ready for her first nap by the time I was tired, and she’d ultimately be in bed for the night before my shift started. She’s been on this “one long nap in the morning/afternoon and sleeping-through-the-night” schedule and it’s worked really well so far.
I need time to decompress, and I need to make time to make progress. What’s hardest is that my time to decompress has to be snatched however I can, and that often means I’m sitting here at 5 am, writing in my blog, wishing I had more time to write in my blog. I don’t, however, have the usual stress of knowing I’d have to drop everything once the baby woke up because my husband has it covered today. Today I get to catch up a bit. I don’t really have a lot of support with the grunt work that has to happen in the home, so when my husband is at least willing to make sure I’m left alone to do the needful I take my wins where I can. Sure, it’s annoying to have to do most of it, plus work and take care of a baby, but what matters most is that it’s getting done and she’s in excellent hands with him. I enjoy those moments where I’m busting out dishes and I hear my husband singing along with the children’s programs he loves to put on for her.
Time is an investment. I need to invest more of it in things that help with creating forward momentum so today will be dedicated to that. I’ll need to push myself to get to where I need to be without anyone really holding my hand along the way. The path to living usually takes some elbow grease from time to time. The better I utilize my time now, the more time I will start to create for me to enjoy life more. Maybe it’ll help me to feel a little less “stuck” and motivated to finish things that I start (something that I let fear block me from doing a lot lately). Who knows….but not making changes wasn’t an option. We are dealt the cards we are dealt and how we play them determines so much about the journey we are about to go on.
I’m not getting any younger. There’s so much living to do today. Time is the ultimate currency that can buy so many opportunities if you use it wisely. As tedious as spending my day off cleaning can be, that effort will just unlock the next step towards a new way of living that I so desperately need. I’ll start finding more time for the things that bring me joy again. It’s all part of the process I needed to go through in order to be a better person.